You probably think that you don’t need anyone. But you think so in vain. Some, by the way, have sex just to talk about it later.

When I read the comments on my article “I love, but I don’t want (or want, but not my husband)”, I immediately noticed that people need talk about sex. Or at least that there is no sex and is not necessary.

The article struck a chord with many. People accused me of exaggerating the role of sex. They convinced me, myself and each other that sex was not necessary for a harmonious family life … Of course, as a professional, I could understand such a reaction: the topic of sex is their vulnerability, the Achilles heel.

This spring I held a seminar for the Russian-speaking population living in Antalya. She talked about the structure of the family, about what should be mandatory in harmonious relations and what should not be. At the end of the seminar, one of the women asked, “Could it be that everything you talk about is only related to young people, and after 35 years old, is it all the main thing – financial stability and children?” This woman was so distorted about her family that love for a man, and especially sex with him, did not fit into them.

Actually, some of the comments were about the same:

• “Sex – one of the pillars of the family? What wildness … Common interests, spiritual intimacy, joint plans, mutual respect – these are the main pillars of the family hearth. “
• “Did specialists return the former freshness in sexual relations?” A lot of techniques? What a horror … Let strangers with not clean hands in their intimate life? Maybe they’ll take them into the family? ”
• “Everyone is already obsessed with this sex! Do you think that this is the most important thing in life? After all, everything flows, everything changes … Sex is wonderful in youth, when you want to fuck without stopping everyone! But youth is passing away and I don’t want everyone in a row. ”

Who comes to the sexologist

Who comes to the sexologist

In this article, I will talk about what the sex therapist faces in her work, and why it is not only possible, but necessary to talk to him about sex (if you want to save the family and change the quality of relationships).

Usually couples turn to a sexologist – after they have already tried everything that was possible: from red lingerie to sex on the side. That is, people come for help when they are in a deep crisis and nothing helps. Requests can be very different, the initiators can be both wives and husbands.

Both partners do not always go to the doctor: someone is shy, afraid or not very sure that such help will work. And then the doctor has to work with one of the spouses. How effective is this treatment format? Believe me, it is no less effective than working in pairs. You are faced with a problem in a relationship because you personally have problems; Having solved them, you will restore the relationship. And sometimes the presence of a partner can even interfere.

Most often, I had to deal with such complaints: my wife was cold in sex, my husband stopped satisfying, sex became a routine, my desire for a partner disappears, but my libido persists … Cheating already occurs as a result of a couple’s problems.    

Let’s try to understand what exactly a sexologist can be useful in each situation.

Cold wife

Cold wife

Change of dominance after the birth of a child: a woman from a seducer turns into a hen, ignoring the needs of her husband and considering from now and forever her main responsibility to raise a child and life. This is a very common mistake. The motive is quite noble – caring for a child. There are plenty of objective contraindications for sex: first you need to recover after giving birth, then fatigue builds up … And then you catch yourself on the fact that sex is an additional burden. You “yield” to your husband no more than once a month and consider this the norm. 

Without the help of a sexologist, it can be very difficult to formulate different behaviors and look at each other in a new way, to change the routine algorithm “kitchen-office-children”. It is important to work with a couple here.

However, just as often, a married woman shows sexual coldness due to a lack of love and care on the part of a man. Neglect of elementary signs of attention, unwillingness to change something, experiment, arrange pleasant surprises is not a trifle. Women are emotional creatures, sex for them is not a physiological need, but a manifestation of feelings. In this case, the emphasis in the work of the sexologist will be shifted to the man, he will have to work on correcting the situation.

Husband stopped satisfying

Husband stopped satisfying

This problem is so widespread in Russia that it is already perceived as the norm, or at least inevitability.

There are two main reasons: a man’s early health problems and his psychological problems. And without the help of a specialist it is not always possible to distinguish one from the other.  

Men are so educated that they are ashamed to admit erectile dysfunction to their own wife – it’s easier to find good reasons to avoid sex: tired, increased stress, sore throat, head, stomach. And you can take offense at your wife and “punish” her lack of sex. Thank God this problem can be solved: urologist, endocrinologist, diet, gym … It is a pity that sending a husband to the indicated addresses is not an easy task. He is not ready to admit that the problem is in him. And even more so to tell strangers about it (even if to doctors).

Feedback is also not less common: social and psychological difficulties that really torment a man appear at the somatic level. Difficulties at work, financial problems, a feeling of inferiority and even depression lead to erectile dysfunction. Sex is energy. And if a lot of energy is spent in other areas, then it simply does not remain to continue the kind. This is not customary to talk about, but men also have depression. And in this case, the sexologist and therapist can prescribe treatment. 

But often the cause of female dissatisfaction is female conflict. Scandal depletes a man (turns on – only in Italian films). If you want to avoid sex with your husband, quarrel with him. Better – using personal insults and humiliations. The more a woman requires sex, the more a man closes from her. The task of the sexologist in this case is to switch her powerful energy. Let him go, for example, to the gym or even to geisha courses – it is important to buy time for work with your spouse.  

Sex has become a chore

Sex has become a chore

Or no sex at all. Alienation has come. This often happens if the husband and wife do not share their experiences, do not tell each other about their lives, observations, feelings. They are neighbors: they do not interfere with each other, but they do not stretch to each other. 

A paradox, but another common reason leading to mutual cooling is too close a relationship of the spouses. When there is no room for personal space, partners find themselves in a vacuum. Husband and wife seem to grow into each other, forming a stable co-dependence and completely violate their internal borders. They do not need sex as a feeling of intimacy: they are already close to impossibility. In this situation, marital sex therapy helps, when the doctor at each meeting gives instructions and homework for joint execution.    

Sex is an indicator, a litmus test of well-being. If you are safe in love, you are safe in sex. No matter how kind and human relations of a man and woman are, if they do not have high-quality sex, they are doomed. And it’s not so important how old each of you is, how old you are married. Just take it as an axiom.