Agree that family life is a little like a daily fairy tale. Seizing life, routine, payment for a mortgage, from entertainment – watching the series together, from cultural events – on weekends to father-in-law to the cottage. There is a serious struggle in school chat in votsap: to give a teacher a multicooker or a sophisticated blender for graduation. My husband has a midlife crisis, exacerbated by problems at work. I think that each of us at some crisis moments caught ourselves thinking – divorced and I will live in peace. According to statistics, 70% of all divorces occur on the initiative of women. Especially for Passion.ru, family psychologist Julia Kroha deals with situations where divorce is the only correct way out of the situation.
Addicted partner
Widespread addiction to alcohol or drugs, gambling addiction – cards, sports betting, etc., including computer games, if your partner plays them for more than eight hours a week, addiction to extreme sports, driving at high speeds, credit dependence and many others. Why are addictions not compatible with family life? For one simple reason – you do not live with a person, but his problems. An added bonus to the expensive universe is co-dependence. It is clear that they don’t get into co-dependent relationships just like that, you need to have a certain back-ground relationship in the parent family. But this is not easier.
Who will help?
Support groups for co-dependent or individual work with a psychologist.
Physical / psychological abuse
Well here, everything seems to be clear, they are beating – run. But here there are nuances. “He did apologize and repent, and promised that he would not touch me with his finger,” clients usually tell me with bruises carefully smeared with foundation cream and bruises on their faces. “It’s my fault, I didn’t have to go to him with questions when he was annoyed,” another says, and the third sincerely believes that her husband will change. No, he will not change. And raise her hand again. The fourth says that she does not care, even if she kills, but she cannot live without him. Psychological abuse is the same. I repeat once again, no, it will not change. Physical abuse can lead to death, if not yours, then your partner, when you are in a state of affect and decide to fight back. Psychological abuse will destroy your self-esteem and lead to severe depression.
Who will help?
Support funds for women victims of domestic violence, support groups, parents.
Lack of sex
In such cases, I always recall the categorical words of my elderly teacher of family psychotherapy: “No sex – no family.” And by and large, the reasons are absolutely not important: different temperaments, health problems, fixation on porn or lack of attraction in one of the partners. If you have already tried everything – seductive underwear, role-playing games, and toys for adults, and lengthy discussions, and even attended an appointment with a sexologist and follow his recommendations, but things are still there, then a divorce is inevitable. Yes, you can agree with your partner about an “open” relationship, but sex often grows with feelings and sooner or later you will get the thought of ending the marriage. Sex is not the main thing in marriage, but its absence completely undermines family life.
Who will help?
If the sexologist didn’t help …
Financial difficulties
Russian divorce statistics say that the most common cause of divorces in our country is alcoholism or partner addiction. In the United States, the situation is slightly different – they get divorced either because of financial problems or because of betrayals. Those days when we were 17 years old and we thought that “with a sweet and a hut paradise” have sunk into oblivion. No, not heaven, especially in a studio apartment, especially a mortgage. And if you still constantly call from the bank and are wondering why the payment is late … Financial instability can affect the warmest relations, because one of the basic human needs is violated – security.
Who will help?
Credit expert, financial lawyer, family law lawyer.
Love is gone
And this is really a reason for divorce. In a relationship where there is genuine intimacy, love transforms over time – into tenderness, affection, habit, respect. If you woke up and suddenly realized that you are not experiencing anything to the person who is sleeping on a pillow next to you, at least this is an occasion to think. Wait some more time, but if you are definitely aware that there is no more love, act. A divorce application can be submitted on the public services website. The most common counterargument of my clients: “But what about the children? He is a wonderful father. ” Yes, divorce is traumatic for children, but with a divorce, your ex-husband will not cease to be their dad. By the way, living in a family where there is no love between parents is no less traumatic for children.
Who will help?
No one. Unfortunately. Or fortunately.