Have you ever had a relationship in which everything was perfect until it came to bed? The guy is a handsome man (nature has not offended him with his face or body), earns good money, is attentive on dates. But somewhere the catch is felt. And here he is: you just have to translate the dates into a horizontal plane. The guy turns out to be clumsy …
It seems that this happened at least once with every woman. And many even had to make a difficult choice between Shakespearean passion with orgasms and warm, sincere, reliable, stable (the list can be continued indefinitely), but, alas, devoid of temperament relationships.
Well-fed peace or unrestrained temperament?
I have one friend – let’s call her Dasha. Everything with her: figure, education, work, interest of the opposite sex. Her fiancé (we will call him Vadim) is also quite nothing for himself (and for many it is the ultimate dream) – a handsome tall programmer who earns in conventional units and has a sense of humor (read, he can talk in society not only about computers). Dasha’s mother considers Vadim a member of the family, Vadim’s mother takes the side of a potential daughter-in-law in disputes. In winter, the sweet couple go skiing to the mountains, in summer – to sunbathe at the sea, on long holiday weekends – to Lviv for coffee or to Prague for beer. Dasha’s friends sincerely laugh at Vadim’s jokes in the company and secretly envy her friend, believing that she got a prince on a white horse, which now only a select few come across in single copies.
Now, attention! A question for connoisseurs: what does a well-drunk Dasha like to complain about in the company of close friends at bachelorette parties? The correct answer is no sex. More precisely, the mechanical act itself occurs regularly, but Dasha does not experience any pleasure from the learned movements. And she is afraid to talk to her beloved, so as not to offend the sensitive male soul. And the desire to talk fades a little, or even completely disappears after every trip abroad or dinner in a fashionable restaurant.
Now Dasha and Vadim are already talking about a future marriage. More precisely, Vadim began to raise this topic often in conversations, but his half tries not to think about the future. Because she understands well that for the happiness of a married woman there are not enough gifts, stability, travel and an understanding look from her husband. Sometimes you also want the understanding look to be replaced by devils in the eyes, and the gatherings in the cafe were, by mutual desire, postponed for the sake of spontaneous sex, smoothly flowing into a stormy night.
And Dasha, trying to look as calm as possible and supposedly wiser for her years, in the ladies’ company is already talking about the inevitability of side trips in family relationships. Not to part with a loving and beloved husband for the sake of physical attraction?
Not to part, of course. But to find the right words and the right moment, having finally talked heart to heart, is definitely worth it. Tarnished gold is still gold, but we all periodically clean our jewelry to make it look shiny.
Tough conversation: advice from psychologists
So, the dilemma: how to talk to a good guy in everything, who, unfortunately, turned out to be bad in bed? How to delicately state the situation without discouraging him from making love in the future? How not to hurt that most sensitive male ego?
To begin with, psychologists advise making a list
They love this advice. In general, it is worth writing down the points, what exactly does not suit you in bed. After rereading everything that has been written, you can safely destroy everything except the very first paragraph – it is he who annoys most of all, since he was at the head of the enumeration. In addition, conciseness, laconicism and specificity will be important in the conversation, so as not to turn an already difficult conversation into an endless debriefing.
It is more effective to make changes to the bed scenario before taking a horizontal position
For example, over dinner with a glass of wine, suggest trying a new behavior (like a role play). And if a man in bed again begins to twist the old hurdy-gurdy, it is worth carefully but firmly directing him in the right direction, passionately commenting on how pleased you are with what he is doing.
Talking about problems in bed in the same bed is a bad idea.
Neutral territory is much better in this regard. And if the couple is not in an enclosed space, it’s generally wonderful. For example, the changing picture in front of the eyes and the process of leisurely walking speak in favor of walking in nature. This makes any conversation more relaxed and less stressful. And it’s easier to change the subject if the conversation doesn’t go in the planned direction.
Patience training is a good thing
Change never happens overnight. And even more so overnight. The process of introducing a new model of behavior takes a certain amount of time. It is worthwhile to be patient and not expect that your loved one will immediately give up the stupid habits that he has been getting used to for years. The softness and persistence in a duet usually produces the tastiest fruits. After another mistake, you should not show irritation – it is better to offer to play teacher again (with a spicy reward).
Change the wording
You need to voice your wishes, not claims and accusations. If, of course, your man and his self-esteem are dear to you. It is not so difficult to replace open criticism with a constructive proposal. “I don’t like that” and “When you do this, I get closer to orgasm much faster” – do you feel the difference in approach?
Any man blooms like a lily of the valley in spring, it is worth praising his beloved woman. Therefore, praise your beloved for every success and every change. And don’t be afraid to overdo it – men hardly know the difference between compliments and flattery.
Eye for an eye, concession for concession
Any relationship is an equal dialogue. Including intimate ones. Therefore, if you require something from your man, be ready to fulfill his wishes.
Remember, sex is a couples sport. This is a joke in which there is more truth than any other serious statement. Because your mutual pleasure in bed depends only on the efforts of each other. And the opportunity to fix not the best sex is always there, if you are not indifferent to each other. Because a relationship is a dialogue. And he always leads to the truth.